The Sum of its Parts

Today is not a great day. It’s a painful one. It’s difficult when you can’t stand your reflection and you can’t quite articulate this to your friends.

1. Because they have their own problems
2. Because society wants you to hide your negative emotions
3. You’re encouraged to keep calm and carry on
4. You feel guilty and superficial for feeling so hollow that no vats of love can fill you

People in my circle have plainly said they have no interest in the details of anyone’s sob stories. This makes it difficult for someone who has battled depression her entire life to share. My mother regularly expresses concern when I discuss my depression publicly. It hurts me that I have a limited outlets when my emotional pain is so great that I can’t even speak, struggle to get out of bed, and sometimes want to die. How do you tell people that most times you wait to cross the street the foreboding thought is should I just throw myself in front of traffic? That when I am at work opening my mouth hurts and I have forgotten the names of my colleagues of five years, people I speak to daily?

Depression is an illness. It is not a lifestyle choice. It is diagnosed by a doctor and treated often times with medication. It manifests itself physically.  It cannot be exercised away (although exercise can sometimes alleviate symptoms when the sufferer can actually move). I cannot wave a magic wand to vanquish it to the basement.

This is not a pity party. It’s a purging exercise. A moment of truth (though many may have already have guessed my not-so secret suffering). Sometimes it can be painful and frustrating when people in my life attempt to censor my experiences and reactions. Life is not perfection, rainbows and sunshine, unicorns. We live in the social media era – filters, 100 selfies in pursuit of the one perfect image, narcissism. If I were to represent my life that way, I would be a liar, a thief, a robot. Depression may be here for the long run but I definitely have euphoric moments sometimes made all the sweeter because I am often scraping the barrel. If I were to represent one aspect of my life and not the others, I would be betraying that which Aristotle told us “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts”

Resources about Depression:

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/d/depression

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinical-depression/

http://metro.co.uk/2017/11/20/5-things-no-one-tells-you-about-having-depression-7088003/

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression_support_resources