Frozen

This is going to sound peculiar. I’ve been in the midst of a low (depressive state) for about four years. And it’s only just occurred to me that this is the case.

I’m on a mild dose of a chemotherapy drug to treat my autoimmune issues. Before I could start these meds, I had to have HIV and Hepatitis tests. The period before I received my results was nerve wrecking. I convinced myself that I was HIV positive and started planning how I’d spend the end of my days. I was on edge for days.

During this time I came to terms with my single life, lack of husband, no children. I started thinking about how I would tell my parents and closest friends. I also started planning how my mediocre estate should be divided. Basically, I was preparing to die.

Then my results came back.

I was negative. I was overcome with such a feeling of relief. I breathed for the first time in days. But immediately after I inhaled that gush of air, I became overwhelmed with this pressure to live a fulfilling life. One worthy of such a large personality bursting with ideas. Maybe it would be better if I had a terminal illness because I wouldn’t have to LIVE, to battle life and it’s nuances.

Yes, this is what I thought. I was actually viewing HIV or Hepatitis as get out of jail free cards. Depression fucks with you like that, excuse my language. But Depression can warp your mind to make you think “why bother losing weight?, don’t leave the house, make no effort. You’ll be dead in a few years”.

So I froze. And I’ve been stuck frozen there in a shocked state. An ice (wo)man unable to make forward motion in any aspect of life. I’m hoping to thaw out soon because if I play freeze tag any longer when I come to, it will be time for my retirement.

(I know that depression and other chronic illnesses I suffer from may mean that I am in for lifelong a battle. Sometimes its overwhelming. My writing is one way to escape and articulate what I am going through. The parallels I draw are not meant to be insensitive. If you are HIV positive, my ramblings are not meant to be a representative of your life experience or prognosis.)