Do you know anyone who that is always affected by little things in life? Actions or circumstances that wouldn’t even be a niggle for the average person? But these things bring out extreme reactions and thoughts in them?

If you do, then you probably understand the unique position of friends like Reds. There is much that provokes a reaction or opinion from me. I wish I could be a normal, nice, unbothered person (honestly, I do).

Crunch, crunch, crunch or tap, tap, tap

The sound of people chewing often provokes a desire in me to punch them in the face or shove my fist down their thoughts to prevent the incessant crunch or sound of saliva breaking down particles of food. I attribute this to my parents never enforcing a family dinner setting. We all ate in separate rooms not having to endure the sound of each other slurping or munching around the table. But seriously, there are some people who have the grazing habits of an undomesticated goat (no, I don’t know if they can be domesticated smarty pants). Chewing loudly and obnoxiously and making noises that have nothing to do with the digestion of food.

I try to think of others (I know it may not appear that way) so when I am in the office working somewhat peacefully, the sound of the various keyboard warriors taking out their years of pent up sexual frustration on the poor laptop keys,  has often caused me to walk out of the room slamming the door behind me whilst simultaneously cursing loudly under my breath. What I really want to do is ask if they are auditioning to be Stevie Wonder’s replacement on the ivory keys. My work colleagues probably think I am batty, not realising that their loud ass typing is what I am going to cite on my extended medical leave form.

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credit: @bernardhermant unsplash

Patience please!

Now granted I am one of the most impatient people on the planet – there are certain things I can accept that take the time they take. One of these things is the elevator.  If the up button is illuminated then chances are that someone has pushed it already. Perhaps the person who is standing there waiting for the lift to go up (do you get the impatient sarcasm I am laying on here?) PRESSING THAT BUTTON THREE MORE TIMES IS NOT GOING TO PRY OPEN THOSE ELEVATOR DOORS! And the looks I am shooting you are signalling my frustration at you feeling your actions are somehow going to change your destiny with the doors. Ever noticed how important people who press buttons that are already lit up seem to think their time is? More important than yours as you stand there first?

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credit: @samuelzeller unsplash

Another elevator phenom that drives me crazy is when you’re on the lift and the doors are centimetres away from closing fully so you can get to your desired floor and some thoughtless fool presses the button causing the doors fly open!!!! Lady! I have things to do like get to my hotel room and rip off my work clothes. How dare you extend my wait my 20 seconds. And yes I am looking at you like I want to stab you because I do!!!!!!!! But on the flip side, if I am the one prying the doors open before you get a chance to fully close the elevator doors, you dare not get upset with me! <insert evil world domination laugh>

Competitive much? 

I think I mentioned in another post about my desire for no one to pass me when walking as part of exercise. What I didn’t mention was that I hate anyone walks in front of me. I take it personally when turbo charged Londoners get in front of me just as I am paces away from the ticket reader turnstiles on the tube. The damn nerve! You’re stepping on my invisible red carpet, you insensitive prick!

In an effort to curb these infringements I am now aggressively walking with my elbows out. I probably look like a right twat but I don’t care!

Hey Hippo!

This is a major pet peeve of mine that literally sends shivers up my spine. If you are able bodied and in possession of at least one hand, there is no reason that you should not cover your mouth whilst yawning. Do you think I want to see the inside of your mouth? Or perhaps you want to play a game where I throw marbles in your gob every time you choose not to cover your mouth?

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You do realise this is how you look though? credit: @jwolpers unsplash

Suppressing my inner dweeb 

Some of my pet peeves are less nefarious in nature. Sometimes they are goofy and irrational.

Like when I watch television and see the lead actress of a film about to do something embarrassing like fall in front of the guy she has a crush on. I curl up in a tense ball of embarrassment on her behalf and change the channel quickly before I have to endure the physical strain of her emotions.

I accepted many years ago that I am just a strange woman with loads of ‘isms.

Does anyone out there have any peculiarities they want to share?

Post Script – And because we are in a PC world, this is where I point out that this post is meant to make you laugh. I don’t really have a desire to stab anyone or bury someone alive in the hot sands of the Middle East or maim while shaming someone. Relax!

Post Post Script – I really am trying to stop my love affair with alliteration.

Post Post Script – if you, like me, are consistently annoyed, consider purchasing this journal to log your grievances.  My cousin gifted this to me for my birthday – it is probably THE best gift I have received in some time. In My Humble Opinion Journal

First page of the journal – it’s like the author was in my head!

Post Post Post Post Script – I don’t really have anything else to say but I feel like annoying you.

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I was tired of writing about things with too much depth and wanted to insert some levity.                  credit: @loklok unsplash

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Written by redsrecommends

Just like every other person who roams this planet - misunderstood and random.

2 comments

  1. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I hate that chewing shit to. The worst is this lady at work always crunching on ice…😤😤😤😤😤😤…
    I just wanna throw the whole cup at her ass

    Liked by 1 person

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