Is anyone out there? Am I out there?

As I sit here on my couch (my bum imprinted in the cushions), I can’t help but ponder about all the things I convinced myself I was going to do this year. This was the year I was going to spring free from the clutches of fear and jump back into my natural state of travel and fete. 

This seemingly ‘voluntary’ self-isolation that many are struggling to endure, has been my state of being for the last two years or so. Other than work, I have secured my place on the couch as the world turned endlessly. During this time I was shocked at the children who were now married or graduated from university. After all, it was only just a few days ago I was playing peek-a-book with them. My sense of time definitely skewed. 

This time, self-isolation feels different. I am stuck. Not physically but mentally in a place of infertility, paralysis. “Reds, you had so many opportunities. Chances to do things that many would have slight their left wrists for. What happened? Now you are at home in your pyjamas, sat in your sullied thoughts of what if”

First, there is all of that money I wasted on food that didn’t nourish me, on friends that weren’t worth my time, on experiences that fell short of quality. All of those times I was scared of my own potential and stifled myself. This disappointment is a sea with no bottom. 

Then there is the love and affection I have shielded myself from for over ten years. Waiting until I was slimmer, kinder, more in tune with myself when all along I was a vessel capable of giving and receiving love but I was shrouded in fear. Now look at me, stuck indoors with not even the affection of my mother because she is not about to catch the virus from her deeply depressed daughter (big steupse – that means sucking teeth). 

Now that I have majorly digressed…..This self-isolation makes me wonder what I have spent my years, life and thoughts doing? Has mine been a life wasted thus far? Have I positively contributed to the lives of others, made a ripple effect in the pond of life that will outlive my physical presence? 

What can I do during this time to change my contributions to this world? Will I survive to pivot or is it too late?

For people with anxiety and depression, this can be a harrowing time of self reflection. Rather than looking back at the fun times, we catastrophise and imagine the end of the world. Empty streets, a deserted planet. 

But now there are others on this self-isolation bus with me. We may all be three feet apart with hazmat suits to ensure our safety but we are scared about our health, our financial security, our ability to care for family. This bus ride will be a bumpy one, with some getting off before we arrive at the final destination but I am going to try to enjoy (you read that right) the ride. 

Anyway, here is what I am listening to…..

If anyone needs someone to chat with during these strange times, feel free to message me – michaela@redsrambles.com 

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