I read somewhere that recovering from depression relied on you believing that you are going to get better.
I thought about that for a long time (well 30 minutes and given our short attention spans, I’d qualify this as long).
I have never believed anything good was going to happen to or for me.
Rather, I have believed that good was reserved for others.
I’ve always been scared to believe I was going to get that position, recover from my 22 year long battle with depression, or win the lottery (I know I am stretching it but all of these positivity gurus tell you to reach for the stars, right?).
I guess I am writing this because I genuinely don’t know how to believe, no matter how many miracles I’ve experienced and how much I have achieved.
Is believing that things will be better a bit like a Disney princess who perseveres in her quest for justice and truth love? Is believing fasting for what you want and praying for hours on end?
What is believing? How does a lifetime, in-denial-she-is-a-pessimist conquer
her fears of success
her desire for success
her need to physically and mentally well
AND complete her Masters
WHILST trying to be a positive support for all of her loved ones?
I am sorry if you were looking for light reading but I am struggling in the days of COVID and the increased coverage of racism and the murdering of black people. I get the feeling a lot of 42 year old singles with no man, no baby and very little in the positivity bucket can relate to this.
I’ve prayed, meditated, wished, willed, dreamed, blown eyelashes, broken wishbones on so much
– getting a promotion
– meeting and marrying my husband (am I half-way there and don’t recognise it?)
– a black on black Maserati
– a Euromillions lottery win for my mum
– for my pinky toe to be run over by the train so that I don’t have to go to work
– a healthy baby who rarely cries with a very high IQ
– the willpower to lose 60 lbs in 3 months
– a house with all bills and mortgage paid gifted to me by a mysterious billionaire who has no expectations of reciprocation
– a job that allows me live in three countries a year (of my choice)
– a singing voice like Beyonce
I mean, that’s a pretty modest list, right?
Although, as an adult, I feel that Walt Disney was a thief, a sexist and a bigot and a majority of Disney films are based on glorifying the patriarchy, I am going to search for the little girl who often stared up the sky and wished upon stars. Here’s my favourite lyrics from When You Wish Upon a Star
If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do
Fate is kind
When do we stop believing? I remember as a child thinking it would be cool if I could call my friends on a calculator, anything was possible. Now? I sometimes doubt I will take my next breath.
S. N. Can I cancel Disney+ after a month? I think I need a reminder that dreams do come true. (Don’t judge me. I see you laughing at my willingness to give £6 a month to the company founded by a man who was every -ist in the book but a girl needs a bit of entertainment)